Rumbling with the universe
New Year’s Eve 2008
LIttle did I know the rumble with the universe that was coming…
“What do you want others to say about you when you aren’t in the room?” Or another way to ask the same question, “What do you want people to say about you when you aren’t around anymore?” If you are looking for something meaty to journal, chew on that one for a while.
Eight years ago, while going through LifeForward, the first step in The Hudson Institute of Santa Barbara’s Executive Coaching Program, it became painfully apparent that my values were not in alignment with my behaviors. During this 4-day retreat, busy professionals hit the “pause” button to take a look at how their life has unfolded up to this point and contemplate how/if they would like to shift various elements moving forward.
Zach and Josh
To be transparent with all of you, my epiphany in that powerful retreat, was that somewhere in the shuffle of daily life, my values, while completely clear in my head, had become out of line with my behaviors. You see, while I said family was my biggest priority, when I looked at how I spent my time, work had taken over every aspect of my life. In fact, I had very little time left for family or couple and almost nothing for friends, self or community. I realize I’m getting a little personal here, but I’m sharing this because I suspect I’m not the only person who has struggled with work-life blending. This ignited a multi-year, transformational rumble with the universe that forever changed my life.
In Brené Brown’s Book Dare to Lead, she says, “Daring Leader who live into their values are never silent about hard things” (page 184). So here goes being bold on this sensitive topic. She goes on to say that “In those moments that we start putting other voices in front of our own, we forget what made us go into the arena in the first place, the reason we’re there. We forget our values. Or, frequently we don’t even know what they are or how to name them” (page 185). Sound familiar to anyone else? That’s where I was all those years ago. I was letting other voices go in front of my own.
So how do you know what your values are? It seems like a simple question. Right?!? But it can actually be quite challenging for many of us. In Dare to Lead, Brené walks readers through exercises in how to define your values. She has an exhaustive list of potential values in the book, but she only let’s you pick one or two. It can actually be quite a frustrating exercise to narrow your values down to so few. I remember rumbling with which were my top two for several months wanting to have at least 10 of them before settling on my top values of Courage and Connection:
Courage to stand for what I believe and to never let myself go back to the place to which I had descended.
Connection with my higher purpose, my family, my friends, my colleagues and my faith.
I realized that when I had those two things, I was operating in my values.
Almost every time I work with a coaching client now, at some point, my client has to rumble with their values in order to break through the obstacle they are facing. Sometimes we do full values exercises like the one mentioned above. Other times, we do simpler exercises.
Last week I was in an executive coaching session* with an impressive leader when the need to understand his values for an important decision came up. I asked him what he wanted people to say about him when he was no longer with his organization. He thought for a moment and shared concepts like he had a great sense of humor; he was not concerned with hierarchy; he was real; he was a leader you could trust; he was not afraid to innovate; he could work with anyone across siloes; he made a difference. In his brainstorm, we had a view into his values including the following: trustworthy, approachable, innovative, impactful, and authentic. From that quick brainstorming session, we began to build his list of values so he could make the important decision that loomed in front of him.
Spending more time with family made a big difference in my fulfillment as it aligned with my values.
As you work on your values, a simple starting point is to ask yourself these questions:
What do I want people to say about me when I’m not in the room?
What do I want my coworkers to say about me when I am no longer with this organization?
What do I want my family and friends to say about me when I have departed this life?
There are no right nor wrong answers to these questions, but they can help you define your values which will become a true north for you as they became for me. Once I knew my values of Courage and Connection, it became clear what decisions to make both personally and professionally so that my values and my behaviors were in alignment. I found this process so powerful, that I wanted to help others in this journey and ultimately made the decision to start my own executive coaching and advising firm so I could dedicate my life full-time to this passion.
As you continue your journey to become a raving fan of your own life, ask yourself:
What are the values that will serve as my guide?
*Certain details have been changed to protect confidentiality.
