The epic stare down
“Fear does not prevent death. It prevents life.” –Buddha
“Fearless Girl” and “Charging Bull” in New York City
Are you familiar with the statue in New York City of the Fearless Girl in an epic stare down with the Charging Bull? For some reason, every time I see that unflinching little girl standing tall in her Wonder Woman pose before the smirking bull who looks as if he is about to charge, she moves me to tears. Perhaps my emotion is triggered by the spirit she represents in me . . . or perhaps my emotion is triggered by something I feel I have lost within myself. She is unafraid as she stares down the bull. I mean completely and utterly, fearless - undaunted by her size compared to that of the bull. Nothing is standing between that little girl and reaching her dreams.
This leads me to the BIG QUESTION I promised in last week’s post. You know that life-altering-thought-provoking-cover-your-ears-if-you-aren’t-ready-you-can’t-handle-the-truth type of question that turns your world upside down. I know I ask a lot of questions in this blog, but this question rocked my world when I made the decision to finally rumble with it last fall. When I did, it resulted in my finally deciding to go out on my own. Okay, are you ready for the question? Take a breath and fasten your seatbelts.
But before I share it, let me give you some context (I realize this pause is a big letdown for a number of you, but I promise I’ll get there). Last spring, I began to realize that the Universe was pulling me in a different direction than I had ever expected, and I was fighting it with everything that was in me. I was, and still am, very passionate about the work that I did around engagement and culture and cared deeply for both my team and my clients. I also enjoyed the frenetic energy of being in a new organization, but the pull I felt to start my own executive coaching and advising firm was undeniable, so why wasn’t I stepping into my inspired future like the “Fearless Girl”?
In the fall of 2021, during my morning workouts, I began to listen on Audible to Think Like a Monk, by Jay Shetty. Part of the power of the book was that it was read by the author who had spent three years as a monk before returning to London at the urging of one of his teachers at the monastery to coach others on well-being, purpose and mindfulness. While the entire book was impactful, it was the third chapter, appropriately titled in all caps, “FEAR,” where I knew he had my number. I won’t steal his thunder, but at the beginning of this chapter he shares a powerful exercise that begins with a simple question and that is our rock-your-world question: “What am I scared of?” Another way we could ask this would be, “What are your ‘Charging Bulls’”?
As we race toward our dreams, if we can learn to recognize our fear patterns and heed their guidance, we can find greater meaning in life. As Jay puts it, “If we learn how to recognize what fear can teach us about ourselves and what we value, then we can use it as a tool to obtain greater meaning, purpose and fulfillment in our lives” (page 49). If you find this intriguing, I highly recommend his book.
If you are in a place now, where you understand your values and what you want to do, but you feel stalled on your journey to becoming a raving fan of your life, it is likely time to understand what the fears are that are holding you back. After all, our inner critics love to remind us of our fears. It’s time to ask yourself:
What am I scared of?
Once you have journaled everything you can think of about this, then ask yourself again:
What am I really scared of?
This time dig even deeper looking for a root cause. When you have exhausted this line of thinking, asking yourself yet once more:
What am I really, really scared of?
This third time, we are seeking to get to a root cause of fear that stands between you and your dream. For most of us we will find a pattern to our fear. Perhaps it is fear of losing material possessions or a standard of living, fear of losing control, fear of failure, fear of letting others down. Once we understand what is at the root of our fear, then we can address it.
For anyone who read my blog last week, this exercise might be feeling a bit familiar. There is a power in pushing yourself to answer the same question multiple times because each time we answer the question it forces us to think more deeply about this. In many ways, it is forcing us to peel back one more layer of the proverbial onion.
When I sat down to journal this exercise on October 12, 2021, I was surprised at what I learned. In the first round of asking myself “What am I afraid of if I go out on my own?” I expected I would see answers on the paper like “failure,” “loss of professional reputation,” and “financial devastation.” At a superficial level, those were all fears, but as I kept digging deeper, I realized what I was really afraid of was letting down the people I cared about. And there was a boatload of people I had given tickets to this guilt trip-in fact, it was more of a giant cruise ship than a regular boat (my family, my friends, my team, my clients, my leadership, and my company, had all been invited on board by yours truly for this journey). It was a heavy burden I had placed on myself, and, as I examined this further, it became clear that this was a life-long pattern for me. Talk about that life-altering-thought-provoking-cover-your-ears-if-you-aren’t-ready-you-can’t-handle-the-truth type of epiphany.
Rebecca and big brother, Ray (circa 1979)
Fearless Rebecca standing boldly before her Charging Bull (okay it was a Maryland Blue Crab, but you get the point)
Once I was able to get to the root of my fear, I could then audit my attachments to determine what I could change and, more so, what I wanted to change. This allowed me to embrace the gifts inherent in this fear. Once I understood the root of my fear, I was able to identify patterns in my thinking that weren’t serving me. This allowed me to become the “fearless girl” again standing boldly before my “charging bull” so that I could start making plans to step into my inspired future that I live today.
